Andy Young: Randomly thinking random thoughts

By Andy Young

I wish I had discovered the value of walking years ago. Non-competitive physical activity, I’ve found, doesn’t just encourage the free flow of ideas; it enhances it. Often, I find myself wondering about everyday things whenever I have the opportunity to stroll down some country lanes, or hike through nearby peaceful forests. 

Thankfully I was able to remember a few of the thoughts that occurred to me during this morning’s nature walk.

For example:

Who buys shoes or clothing on the Internet? I can’t imagine purchasing any article of apparel without first trying it on to see if it fits. It’d be like buying a car without at least test-driving it or buying a house sight unseen. I just don’t get it.

After eating with some friends at a restaurant recently we had to split the check. Up until then I thought cash was still king but apparently, it’s been dethroned. What the heck is Venmo? When I heard that word, I thought they were talking about some defenseman on the Finnish national hockey team. And who (or what) is Crypto? If I had to guess, I’d say he’s a fictional supervillain who’s out to destroy Gotham City, and ruin Batman in the process. I bet he lives inside a luxurious, tricked-out mausoleum, and only comes out at night.

If Venmo really is a thing, it won’t be long before someone launches Vedgmo, a system of paying for things with fresh produce. I’m just worried that someone’s going to create Vengemo, a diabolical method of gaining retribution for real or imagined past slights. Maybe it wouldn’t be all bad, though, since it would take all the idle hit men off the unemployment line.

Litterers are lazy, selfish, and disrespectful. I know I’ve said that before, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

Here’s a joke I heard (or to be accurate, re-heard) recently.

What’s Ludwig van Beethoven doing these days?

Answer: decomposing.

You know who must have lived a frustrating life? Whoever it was that bought the exclusive rights to manufacture 49-star flags. They probably thought they’d make millions when Alaska became the 49th United State on Jan. 3, 1959, rendering every previously-existing 48-star American flag obsolete. But imagine their chagrin when, just 230 days later, Hawaii joined the union! Owning all those 49-star flags turned out to be like owning Blockbuster Video stock in 2014.

These days 49-star flags are probably lining landfills that are rapidly filling up with fax machines, overhead projectors, manual typewriters, paper road maps that never fold back to their original shape, telephone books, boomboxes, Walkmans, slide rules, mimeograph machines, and shoes that need tying. When 29th century archeologists get around to digging up relics from our era, they’re going to wonder why 20th- and 21st century people needed so much tangible stuff. Alas, by then all the 49-star flags and paper road maps will probably have disintegrated.

I’ve been buying “Forever” stamps for so long now that I’d forgotten what their actual price is. Did you know it currently costs 78 cents to mail a letter within the U.S., and 61 cents to mail a postcard?

I’ve figured out how to get my money’s worth from the post office, though. Instead of sending letters to friends, I write out two postcards, then stick them inside an envelope and mail it. Every time I do that, I save 44 cents!

Another random thought: “Random” is a pretty random word. Why not use “haphazard,” “desultory,” “slapdash,” “arbitrary,” or any other unpremeditated synonym instead?

And finally, do scientists know how long it takes for a boombox to decompose?