Andy Young: Got milk?

By Andy Young

Some decades ago, my mother informed me in no uncertain terms that my habit of having a daily after-school bowl of cereal needed to change. Our family’s milk consumption rate was becoming excessive, and my choice of midafternoon refreshment was a big reason for it.

My initial reaction was outrage. How did this heartless woman expect her growing son to subsist on a mere three meals a day? It quickly became clear to me that a viable and economically feasible substitute for milk was needed.

When a crisis occurs, being willing to think differently and/or defy convention is paramount. Fortunately, I have that ability. It occurred to me that no one actually tasted the cold liquid they poured over their breakfast, and/or their afternoon snack. Milk had no perceivable flavor; it was the cereal we were savoring.

That’s why, after thinking outside the (milk) box, I theorized that tap water could serve the same purpose as milk did, and at a 100 percent reduction in cost!

Most ordinary people think only an idiot would consider consuming cereal soaking in room temperature water, and I agree. But it takes a true visionary to discern that water which has been refrigerated overnight isn’t lukewarm any longer; it becomes chilled water, which I brilliantly conjectured could be the perfect cold liquid to immerse one’s breakfast cereal in.

Back then orange juice came in one-quart glass bottles which were far too valuable to throw away, so before retiring on the night of my life-altering epiphany I filled an ex-Tropicana container to the top with water. That night’s dreams consisted solely of what I knew for certain would be the revolutionary, delicious, and significantly less expensive breakfast I’d be consuming the following morning.

A few short hours later I leaped out of bed, crept quietly into the kitchen, and poured myself a generous bowl of Rice Chex. Then I opened the refrigerator where the bottle of water I’d prepared the previous evening was waiting. It was cold enough to the touch to provide me with both literal, and figurative chills. Preparing to savor the fruits of my ingenuity, I unscrewed the cap, and poured a modest amount of the clear cold liquid atop the cereal. Quickly grabbing a spoon, I energetically dug in, knowing that soggy cereal is no way to start one’s day, regardless of whatever liquid it is that renders it that way.

The first mouthful of Rice Chex was reasonably crisp, but it was obvious something was lacking. Considering the possibility that the first bit of water wasn’t watery enough, I chewed, swallowed, and inserted a second spoonful. The taste didn’t improve. A third mouthful was similarly underwhelming.

Wondering if I hadn’t used enough water, I added another few ounces.

The taste didn’t change.

Rice Chex with water was disgusting. But like other bold innovators, I wasn’t discouraged. Shrugging off the disappointing first trial, I disposed of the sodden Rice Chex, filled a fresh bowl with Cheerios, and subsequently added cold H2O.

Disappointingly, Cheerios were no better with cold water on them than Rice Chex were.

In retrospect, I probably should have admitted defeat at that point. But like many ambitious young trendsetters before and since, I couldn’t bring myself to capitulate without making one more try at finding a more affordable liquid cereal enhancer.

Corn Flakes with orange juice on them were even more revolting than the first two combinations I’d tried. But my humiliation wasn’t over. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, fate poured salt into my wound.

Orange juice, it turned out, was even more expensive than milk! <