“Our ancestors were
not bigger than the animals they took down most of the time or faster than the
animals they took down most of the time, but they were much better at banding together into groups and cooperating. This was our superpower as a species We
banded together. Just like bees ought to live in a hive - we ought to live in a
tribe. But we are the first humans – ever - to disband our tribes. And it is
making us feel awful, but it doesn’t have to be this way.”
This is what
journalist, Johann Hari, had to say in his 2019 Ted Talk regarding his research
on unhappiness and loneliness. Although I am not an expert in the field of
psychology, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see the writing on the wall. The
feeling of isolation has become such an issue in today’s western societies that
the U.S.
Surgeon General Vivek Murthy called loneliness a “growing health epidemic” and
in 2018, Britain appointed a Minister of Loneliness to help combat their own
“epidemic”.
There
have been moments in my own life when I have been without a tribe and Hari is
right, it felt awful. But, for the most part, I have always landed among a
group of people who I could always call my own – a group where I can ban
together with others to face challenges bigger than I could manage alone. One
friend of long ago once said that she had finally found her “boogie woogie
tribe” referring to those of us in her group. Since then, I have borrowed her
phrase when I find myself among a relaxed group of friends where my loud
laughter and personality quirks are accepted as endearing attributes.
There
are many complicated reasons why there is an increase in loneliness and since I
do not have the credentials to identify them, I can’t offer professional solutions.
I can, however, share a bit of what I have learned from my own experiences at
having walked through the land of isolation.
One
contributing factor to my own past self-imposed seclusion was the result of holding
myself to unrealistic standards - feeling as if I didn’t quite measure up or was
not “perfect” enough to quite fit in. But eventually, I grew a little wiser and
realized I’m just like everyone else. I’m not the only one who carries
imperfections. As another friend told me just the other day, “We are all just
bozos on the bus.”
I recently came across
an article written by author, Elizabeth Lesser. She had this to say about the expression,
‘bozos on the bus’:
“I
have co-opted the phrase and I use it to begin my workshops, because I believe
that we are all bozos on the bus, contrary to the self-assured image we work so
hard to present to each other on a daily basis. We are all half-baked
experiments-mistake-prone beings, born without an instruction book into a
complex world. None of us are models of perfect behavior: We have all betrayed
and been betrayed; we've been known to be egotistical, unreliable, lethargic,
and stingy; and each one of us has, at times, awakened in the middle of the
night worrying about everything from money to kids to terrorism to wrinkled
skin and receding hairlines”
So,
if you are lonely and isolated because you don’t quite feel you measure up,
remember Lesser’s words of wisdom. And if there are other reasons for your
loneliness, and you are capable of getting out of the house, perhaps a few of
the following guidelines can help you get over that hump and find the tribe you
so deserve:
*Hang
out with like-minded people by joining a club or taking a class to develop a
hobby.
*Try
volunteering as it connects you with the community around you. There are so
many organizations that need volunteers, you are bound to find something you
enjoy.
*Participate
in your favorite sport.
*Write
down your thoughts to
process your emotions and get a clearer idea where your head is.
*And,
of course, there is no shame in reaching out for professional or pastoral help.
Just
remember, we are all bozos on the bus and, if loneliness is where you are now, perhaps
small steps will eventually lead you to your perfect boogie woogie tribe of
half-baked-mistake-prone bozos.
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