Andy Young: What’s in a name?

By Andy Young

I have never played a round of golf in my life, aside from the miniature variety.

Yet every year when I hang up a new calendar, I can’t help recalling my youth, and a specific professional golfer whose name appeared in the agate type on the sports page every weekend when the newspapers reliably printed the results of whatever tournament was taking place.

The late Don January won 10 different events while
competing on the Professional Golfers Association Tour.
COURTESY PHOTO 

Don January won 10 tour events during his days on the PGA (Professional Golfers Tour). I didn’t know anything about him, or any other golfer other than Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, and Gary Player, for that matter. But I quietly rooted for him, because who else had a month for a surname? Maybe there were other golfers with months for last names, but if there were, I never heard of them, so they don’t count.

A few other months serve as surnames for accomplished individuals. Fredric March won Academy Awards for Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1932) and The Best Years of our Lives (1946). Elaine May is a much-decorated writer, director, producer, actor, and comedian, and the world in general and baseball in particular has been fraught with people named May. Lee May and Carlos May were brothers. Dave May and Derrick May were father and son, as were Merrill “Pinky” May and Milt May. Fun fact: Milt and Lee, though not related, were Houston Astros teammates in 1974. Other baseball-playing Mays, past and present, include Rudy, Jerry, Trevor, Darrell, Jakie, Lucas, Scott, Joe, Jacob, and Buckshot. However, aside from all the Mays, Don August, a Milwaukee Brewer pitcher from 1988-1991, is the only other major league ballplayer with a month for a last name. Sorry, Yankee fans, but “October” isn’t Reggie Jackson’s real last name.

Do any other months qualify as surnames? According to the website imdb.com, there are currently people in the entertainment industry named Lauran September, Teddo November, and C. J. December. However, since I’ve never heard of them, they also don’t count. And I don’t feel guilty about omitting them, since to my knowledge Lauran, Teddo, and C. J. haven’t put me on any random lists they’re compiling, either.

People named for days of the week names seemingly outnumber those with month names. Rick Monday played 19 seasons of Major League Baseball. Tuesday Weld was active as an actress from 1955 to 2001, winning a Golden Globe Award along the way. Although little Wednesday was fictional (as was her brother Pugsley), she was nonetheless an important member of the creepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky Addams family. A similarly fictitious day-of-the-week name from the classic TV era was Dragnet’s Sergeant Joe Friday. However, those preferring people who actually existed can cite Bill Friday, a much-decorated National Hockey League referee who was the first president of the NHL’s Officials Association. Jeff Saturday spent 14 seasons as a National Football League offensive lineman before transitioning to a position as a sports analyst for ESPN. However, the best professional conversion ever performed by someone with a day of the week for a last name was by a man who, after playing eight seasons of major league baseball switched over to a field far more appropriate for someone named Billy Sunday: he became a nationally known evangelist.

There are, of course, odder things than having a word on the calendar for a last name. Besides comedian Orson Bean, film producer Albert Broccoli, and author/journalist David Corn, there aren’t many celebrated people with a vegetable surname.

But if there are actually people named Joe Cucumber, Mary Potato, or Pat Mushroom, well, they don’t count either, because I’ve never heard of them. <