Friday, March 17, 2023

Andy Young: Thank goodness for the jobs I’ve got

By Andy Young

It’s humbling to consider just how many jobs I am utterly unqualified for.

As I am responsible for several offspring, it would be irresponsible of me to put myself at undue physical risk. That’s why I could never in good conscience consider any position involving logging, ironworking, or cell tower climbing. I’m not comfortable piloting large vehicles, so it’s unlikely I’d get hired as a cross-country trucker, a heavy equipment operator or a bus driver. And that goes double for any job(s) that call for using chain saws, firearms, or explosives.

I generally prefer working at approximately the same elevation level as where I live. That takes out being an astronaut, a deep sea diver, or a diamond miner.

I couldn't be a window washer on a skyscraper, an underwater welder or, for that matter, an above-water welder. Ditto for bodyguard, infantryman, or rodeo clown.

I’m physically incapable of being a center for a National Basketball Association team, a center for a National Football League team, or a center for a National Hockey League team.

Science isn't my strong point, which disqualifies me from becoming a radiologist, a gynecologist, an anesthesiologist, a cardiologist, a dermatologist, a proctologist, or just about any other ologist. I would never consider being a genealogist because everyone knows there’s no such thing as genies.

I’d undoubtedly wash out as a dishwasher, a car washer, or a money launderer.

I don’t have the skills to be a grease monkey, the patience to be a pin monkey, or the DNA to be an organ grinder’s monkey.

Chronic seasickness makes me unfit for being a boat captain, a first mate, or a pirate.

Lack of appropriate education makes me ineligible for a career as a priest, a rabbi, or a nun.

My ethical beliefs make careers in burglary, swindling, or pyramid scheming impossible, and the same goes for weapons peddling, cocaine dealing, and contract killing.

My aversion to both public humiliation and unnecessarily sustaining grave injury means I couldn’t be a stuntman, and that I couldn’t star in any “Jackass” movies. It goes without saying that I could never be a stuntman in a “Jackass” movie.

There are other vocations I’ve consciously chosen not to pursue because I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror without becoming physically ill. That means I’ll never be a reality TV star, a casino operator, or the founder and operator of a university I name after myself.

I also couldn’t work for anyone who makes products that harm more living things than they help, which means there’s nothing for me with any slaughterhouse, tobacco company, or assault rifle manufacturer.

There isn’t nearly enough space here to name every job which I am utterly unqualified to perform, but here’s a starter list:

Hairdresser. Dressmaker. Longshoreman.

Personal injury attorney. Bounty hunter. Sculptor.

Winemaker. Beer brewer. Whiskey distiller.

Funeral director. Exotic dancer. Choreographer.

Gangster. Rapper. Gangsta rapper.

Acrobat. Circus midget. Circus giant.

Golf pro. Tennis pro. Quid pro quo pro.

Butcher. Baker. Candlestick maker.

Army colonel. Colonel Klink. Colonel Sanders.

Beef jerky provider in India. Pork distributor in Israel. Prius dealer in Detroit.

Public Relations Director for Afghanistan Tourism. Head of Louisiana Snowmobilers Association. Chief Imam of Vatican City.

Snake oil salesman. Cryptocurrency dealer. Televangelist.

Rodeo cowboy. Rhinestone Cowboy. Midnight Cowboy.

High school play director. High school athletic director. High school social director.

Given my limited skill set, it’s a good thing English teachers and imaginative list compilers are in demand around here. I’d be a total failure as a televangelizing choreographer who washes skyscraper windows in between “Jackass” movie gigs. <

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