Friday, March 11, 2022

Andy Young: Time to Complain

By Andy Young

Once a year everyone should get the opportunity to angrily sound off about things they’re displeased or dissatisfied with. And what better time to do so than right now? This Sunday morning at 2 a.m. the clocks get set forward by an hour in order to switch over to Daylight Saving Time. That reduces the coming weekend to a mere 47 hours. 

For openers, why change the clocks on a Sunday morning? People enjoy weekends. Why not spring forward at 12 noon on a Monday instead? 

Which reminds me: winter is too long, everyone except me is lazy, and the cost of living is out of control.

Food is crazy expensive. Gassing the car up weekly requires at least an arm and a leg. My resource-squandering kids take showers that last longer than 30 seconds, which blows up my water bill. And Internet/cell phone providers have involuntarily technology-addicted citizens (all of us) permanently over the proverbial fiscal barrel. 

Everyone who drives behind me on two-lane roads goes too fast, and everyone in front of me crawls along too slowly. The speed limit on the Maine Turnpike is too low, but it’s too high on streets in and around my neighborhood. In addition, the air is getting polluted because of all the dopes idling for ten minutes in the drive-up line at Aroma Joe’s waiting for an overpriced hit of caffeine that they’re too lazy to make at home.

My house is too cold in the winter, and the price of heating oil is skyrocketing. The house is also too hot in the summer, and the cost of electricity is exorbitant. 

My eyes hurt. My hip smarts. I can’t always hear what people are saying. My feet ache. My ribs hurt. My nose runs.

Which brings me, literally, to doctors. I’m seeing a cardiologist for my heart, a dermatologist for my skin, an optometrist for my eyes, and a taxidermist for my taxes. Then there’s the dentist, who’s upgrading the plumbing on his yacht thanks to my crumbling bridgework and my kids’ cavities. 

Major league baseball team owners are entitled, avaricious plutocrats, and major league baseball players are spoiled, greedy, aspiring plutocrats. National Football League team owners make their baseball brethren look like George Peabody. Even more galling, few Americans have even heard of George Peabody, and most lack the intellectual curiosity necessary to even find out who he was.

And don’t get me started on our government, which can’t do anything right. First, they made us get vaccinated against a potentially deadly virus. Then they made us wear masks everywhere, and all the time, too. Now they’re relaxing the mask mandates too early, putting us at risk of infection from all the unvaccinated potential Typhoid Marys (or Typhoid Aaron Rodgerses) out there.

The government spends too much on defense. And another thing: it’s shameful how underpaid the brave soldiers and sailors who defend our once-great nation are. Our federally maintained highways are rutted, pothole-plagued disgraces, but the government better not raise tolls!

And speaking of taxes, they are out of control! How are law enforcement officers, firefighters, EMTs, teachers, and other public servants supposed to make ends meet with the exorbitant fees the government forces them to pay? I say we eliminate taxes (and the government) entirely! 

Unfortunately, I don’t have enough time to list all of my complaints this weekend, and all because some long-ago government bureaucrat stole an hour of it! I’d love to know the name of the creep responsible for Daylight Saving Time. I probably should look it up.

Nah. That’d be too much work.<

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